Post Modern Frog

Too Big To Fail

2012-01-27T17:33:00.001-08:00

A new piece for an upcoming show— details to follow!

R.I.P. My Friend

2012-01-25T12:55:00.000-08:00

The Professor Rufus "Devious" Esq.

2000-2012

Internet Legend. Best Cat Ever. My Friend.

Thanks Buddy.

W.I.P.

2012-01-24T11:39:00.000-08:00

Work in progress.

Movin' On

2012-01-09T12:56:00.000-08:00

This image was originally created for moving sale flyer before I left for the west coast.

Santa #25

2011-12-25T00:00:00.000-08:00

Big big thanks to everybody who shared links and supported this project. Your enthusiasm was truly THE ONLY reason I made it all the way to the end. I hope everyone enjoys a safe and merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Lots of love!

Santa #24

2011-12-24T00:00:00.000-08:00

Santa #23 (With Bonus Beats)

2011-12-23T11:42:00.000-08:00

Thanks to all those who have been following this series. If you like these, please pass them on to a friend or show them to you family over the holiday. Cheers!

Here's an extra one for today. From a few years ago, this is a repost of my Santagator.

Santa #22

2011-12-22T13:32:00.001-08:00

Ink on paper. This one is meant to be a young Santa before he got the North Pole and reindeer all set up. Santa: Year One?

Santa #21

2011-12-21T12:25:00.001-08:00

Santa #20

2011-12-20T15:16:00.001-08:00

Santa #19

2011-12-19T15:48:00.001-08:00

Santa #18

2011-12-18T09:42:00.002-08:00

This one could be titled "Fun With the Pattern Stamp Tool."

Santa #17

2011-12-17T15:47:00.001-08:00

Santa #16

2011-12-16T16:05:00.001-08:00

My wife Ann came up with the concept for this one.

Santa #15

2011-12-15T15:17:00.001-08:00

Santa #14

2011-12-14T14:58:00.001-08:00

Santa #13

2011-12-13T16:43:00.001-08:00

Santa #12 (with bonus beats)

2011-12-12T13:10:00.000-08:00

BONUS BEATS!This is an old design that I'm posting as a little bonus illustration for today.My friend Ben Acker writes the Thrilling Adventure Hour, a monthly live show performed in the style of old time radio. They have a great podcast that I listen to regularly (often while I'm working on my illustrations). It's really funny! A long while back Ben commissioned me to do a poster design of all the villains from one of the regular segments, Captain Laserbeam, a super hero send up.This was the first character design I did as a test image for the project: Anti-Claus. A villain from the opposite zone known for stealing Christmas. So there you go a little extra Santa for today. Check out the Thrilling Adventure Hour sometime soon.

Santa #11

2011-12-11T17:51:00.001-08:00

Santa #10

2011-12-10T14:37:00.001-08:00

Ink and pencil on bristol.

Santa #9

2011-12-09T16:07:00.001-08:00

Ink on paper (with a little clean up to flatten the color).

Santa #8

2011-12-08T15:10:00.001-08:00

Cut paper with computer embellishment.

Santa #7

2011-12-07T09:08:00.001-08:00

Santa #6

2011-12-06T10:20:00.001-08:00

Santa #5

2011-12-05T12:59:00.001-08:00

This one is a special dedication to Eric Elias Subin, born early this morning 8lbs 4oz. Welcome little buddy!

Santa #4

2011-12-04T15:13:00.001-08:00

Santa #3

2011-12-03T21:43:00.001-08:00

Look for the color version soon. This one was a little more involved.

Santa #2

2011-12-02T16:05:00.001-08:00

Santa #1

2011-12-01T16:37:00.001-08:00

2011-11-30T12:05:00.001-08:00

Of course you'd never know it but I've been quite busy since moving to the west coast. I'll be posting new work in the near future. In the mean time here's an image I cooked up for a yard sale flyer I made back in Providence. Check back soon for updates and a sneak peak at future projects.

Thrilling!

2010-11-29T08:44:00.000-08:00

Whooee! Projects are eatin' my life right now. Here's another one down. This is for my friend Ben Acker's ongoing Thrilling Adventure Hour at the Largo in L.A.

This is based on their segment Captain Laserbeam. It's the collected villains of Apex City, Captain Laserbeam's home. It's a two color version that is meant to look like a silkscreen print. I'll probably do a full color version in the future.

I'll make up a key for the villains and post it later. Hope you like it, internet!

ALSO

I drew the turkey in the beginning of this.

Tough Like a Diamond

2010-11-04T15:50:00.000-07:00

A few more pieces to share for an upcoming small works show at the bear and bird gallery.

Thanks to the Evan "Funk" Davies Show for the tunes that pulled me through on this project. There's a great cover of Noise of Carpet by Hank IV on the playlist I linked to. As well as a brutal track from Pop. 1280, who would be my new favorite band if Best Coast hadn't dropped onto my turntable recently.

Latest

2010-11-02T13:32:00.000-07:00

Deadlines are looming! I am responding!

Here are a few recent pieces. The first will be on sale in the Boston area in the near future! It's a big fella— 30" by 22". Hence the drawing board snapshot and not a proper scan.

Here's a detail because the pen work gets lost at this scale.

The last is a demo I did for a recent class. Can't go wrong with smoking animals!

Thanks for the look everybody.

Thwee Dee

2010-08-01T15:59:00.000-07:00

Everybody loves smoking animals.

Summer Sides

2010-07-06T08:26:00.001-07:00

Not a lot of activity lately on the ol' web log but I have been making progress on some projects.

Thought I'd update with a few new sketches and a test drawing.

First, a continuation of the "Face It" series.

This one was part of the same session but taking a less cartoony approach. I was looking for elegant economy.

Finally a test drawing for a children's book project. I can't decide if it should be in black and white of color yet. This was a little study to see one way to approach the main character.

Thanks always for reading! Now back to work for me.

The Slumps

2010-05-17T13:56:00.000-07:00

Here are a few selections from last Tuesday night's drawing session. I don't know what was happening with me but I found it really hard to get started this week. I did some warm up experiments then tried my hand at a few more rook sketches— but nothing was working. When this happens, I like to switch mediums to see if something will click. Eventually I got a rook drawing off the ground but mostly I just deposited a lot of paper in the recycling bin. I really can't decide the best method to tackle creative block but I found sitting around and stewing on it definitely doesn't work. Getting loose and switching from pen to pencil was a good start this time.

First a snap shot:

Then a little character sketch with ink and sponge:

Thanks for reading/looking!

By Hook Or By Rook

2010-05-10T16:53:00.001-07:00

Another rook snapshot— getting closer to the character that I want. I'll get a good scan up on the web log later. This time around I spent a lot (A LOT) more time on rendering the feathers. This one also has feet which were more challenging than I anticipated.

Tuesday Night Drawing: Room & Rook

2010-05-05T17:23:00.000-07:00

I got started on this one about a quarter past midnight; having just missed what I'm sure was a killer set by White Hills on the Evan "Funk" Davies Show on WFMU.

I don't have the time or the energy to tile this big drawing right now so I'm going to show a little of what I call my "studio" and some crappy snap shots.

This drawing is an initial study that will turn into a full-on character design of a rook. The weight of the beak and head to body ratio are totally wrong but the important thing here was not so much the drawing as the inking method. Following the same philosophy as some of the previous tree studies, this drawing was about combining broad, fast strokes with areas of concentrated detail. Like the trees it has a strong, simple silhouette that carries the form allowing a lot of freedom to go from more detailed areas to looser marks.

I know, it's kind of small but I like it.

I did an image adjustment for this last one.

Thanks for checking in. Anyone who wants to join the Tuesday Night Late Night Drawing Society let me know. I'd love some company.

Cheers!

More of the Same

2010-04-29T07:15:00.001-07:00

Here are few more tree studies, this time going for speed and efficiency. I started out with some bold and somewhat controlled ink splatters and carved out details around them. Once again I'm not using any reference here, it's more a result of staring at trees all day and working from a sort of sense memory.

Late Nights

2010-04-20T22:54:00.000-07:00

So—

Hi.

It's been a while since I've posted. I've been busy, busy, busy with classes and so forth but I have managed to finish a few studies and sketchy things. I've been staying up late on Tuesdays after class and drawing during the Evan "Funk" Davies show on WFMU to unwind after class. Here are some of the results:

The first of many tree studies for an "upcoming" adventure comic I'm working out. I have to get away from drawing every goddamnedable leaf. It will happen. This is clearly adolescent leftovers from studying Roger Dean album covers and so forth. I didn't use a reference for this piece which is probably why I have problems with it.

Playing around with bleeding tissue paper. Really hard to control but nigh impossible to replicate. Hooray for happy accidents.

One of a few indirect drawings. I'll have some more of these soon. I like the tribal/menacing quality of this fellow. Far from perfect but a good start.

Next Generation

2010-02-25T21:14:00.000-08:00

Is this a web log record for me? I've managed quite a few posts this month.

This is a continuation of the bold stroke face series. This latest group was a little less freeform and in many cases had two or three renditions before finding success. There are more on the way.

BONUS BEATS

Here are a few others that aren't constructed the same way but are still stylistically connected.

Neo(n) Color

2010-02-22T14:48:00.000-08:00

I was feeling nostalgic a while back and did a random character sketch on black poster board with Caran d'Ache (of Switzerland!) crayons. It was totally fun. If you haven't played around with them before I highly recommend them. I did this piece with a 15 color set. I think I'll name him Bufford.

I should note that I tweaked him in Photoshop (of Adobe!) which is why he looks so electric.

Demo Pieces

2010-02-15T12:28:00.000-08:00

Oh yeah, I have a blog! I totally forgot.

So I've been working so hard on my computer imaging course that I think I gave myself carpal tunnel syndrome. I'm not kidding. I'm actually in pain as I write this weblog entry. In any case I thought I'd share a few pieces I worked up for my in class demos.

First a digital coloring project. The point of this assignment was to color a black and white line drawing (what I use Photoshop for 99% of the time) and using layers to help unify a color pallet.

First I worked up a limited color pallet. I started with the fire and kept the cast of characters in more or less the same pallet.

Then I added a solid purple-blue color in a new layer at low opacity and used the eraser to pull back the lights. I took it a step further this week and added textures over a few elements. So...

The next one is kind of exciting. This was my demo for a digital collage assignment; I used elements of victorian monograms to create a griffin. It actually makes me want to master some of these decorative elements and try some drawings in this style. I'll have to break out my french curves. Thus...

And finally one more texture demo. For this I scanned in a crumpled piece of tinfoil, adjusted the threshold under image adjustments and tinted it blue. I erased away a few areas and I had this...

Then added in a drawing of an explorer and did a knock-out layer over the mountains in the foreground. Gimmicky but effective!

So hopefully these are not the last images I ever make. I'm going to do a Google search for pinched nerves now.

Ouch!

Heads Up!

2010-01-04T14:21:00.000-08:00

Here's a few pieces from an ongoing series I've been working on. These are mainly drawn with giant sponge brushes on 18x24" paper. They're fast but tricky; the brush is unpredictable which is why the results can be very lively but only one of three really look like anything. Even in this group there are some I should weed out but sharing = caring— so I hope you enjoy them.

Thanks for checking in.

Late Again

2010-01-04T14:18:00.000-08:00

I still have people I need to send this to. How very embarrassing!

Hope everyone had the best holiday season. Mine was none too bad.

Santa-Gator Card on Sale

2009-12-16T15:54:00.001-08:00

If you haven't purchased your holiday cards yet, my Santa-Gator cards have just been added to my Etsy site.

Click it and clack it!

Thanks y'all. Check back soon for my PMF online holiday greeting.

Human Torch

2009-11-29T15:18:00.001-08:00

Two more to go!

Monkeying Around

2009-11-08T13:31:00.000-08:00

Working six days a week, it's been tough getting projects off the ground but I finally finished this piece.

Thanks for checking in.

Disco P!

2009-09-09T15:28:00.000-07:00

Feels good to get back behind the drawing board after being away for so long. Here's a quick piece I created for a separate web log to supplement a character design class I'm teaching at Montserrat College of Art. That's right I'm double-dipping my web log images. Who gives?

Any way here he is: Disco Perseus

Thanks for dropping by, friends.

Guttersnipe!

2009-06-27T16:26:00.000-07:00

I know, I know. There's no point in having a web log if you don't update it. Between the super-secret, definitely funny and potentially awesome project I've been involved with and my craxy (not a typo— the x is for extra crazy— pronounced: crazy) wedding coming up shortly, I've had little time to update poor, neglected Post Modern Frog.

Here is a little something I did a while back for some lovely people up in Canada. Check out they're great website: GUTTERSNIPE!

This image can be found on their contributors page.

Thanks always for reading. Also check out my Etsy Shop for new reduced prices in the wake of the wedding!

Cheers!

Is this annoying?

2009-03-20T17:07:00.000-07:00

At work today I decided to enter ROBERT POPPER'S annoying diagram contest.

Here it is:

Sorry everybody.

Sellin' Out Part 2wice

2009-02-20T05:51:00.000-08:00

Everybody should check out DIZZY DOLLY's web log and not just because it features me this week. Every Friday Dizzy Dolly features a different ETSY SITE that has great stuff but still has zero sales. It's hard to get a start out there but I send out big thanks for taking her personal time to write me up.

So far my sales have gone from 0 to 1! So my sales have almost doubled!

I have her permanently listed in my Friends of the Frog section on the right.

http://www.dizzydolly.blogspot.com/

As always you can go directly to my Etsy shop via the ad banner all up wrecking my web log's aesthetic and junk.

Sellin' Out

2009-02-16T12:49:00.000-08:00

As some of you know, I'm getting married this year. My bride to be and I are doing as much of it DIY as possible but it's still expensive. In an effort to make a little extra money to help cover the costs I have significantly bulked up my Etsy Shop. If you haven't visited it yet, please check it out. There's a wide range of price points and items. Thanks for the look.

www.postmodernfrog.etsy.com

Right Off the Bat

2009-02-03T19:24:00.000-08:00

Hot on the heels of the Super Bat Hero revival—

I was encouraged to enter the Project Rooftop Batmanne Neu competition but the best thing I could come up with was this: the dumbest Batman outfit ever...

What does he have like killer fans or something? Is he going to subdue us with a burlesque show? Disaster! Super heroes are not really in my wheel-house. Really I just didn't have enough time to do something polished— but I did have time to do a bunch of goofy drawings of batman that I will share with you.

This one includes either the worst drawing I've ever done of a bicycle or the best.

And finally...

Golden Oldies Vol. 3

2009-01-27T14:14:00.000-08:00

Today I have a salute to the films of my cat, Professor Rufus Devious, created between 2003 and 2004.

LINK: SUPER BAT HERO

LINK: THE FLYING BEAR

Inside Joke

2009-01-13T20:19:00.000-08:00

http://www.wfmu.org/playlists/shows/29995

Evan " Funk" Davies in studio.

"More Music. More Music, More Music, More Music!"

2009-01-12T09:08:00.001-08:00

Oh I am so-o-o-o-o-o backlogged with these things.

January 9th:

January 8th, 2009

2009-01-08T20:28:00.000-08:00

TWING!

Two More

2009-01-07T17:57:00.001-08:00

January 6th. I seriously need a hair cut.

January 7th. This is actually the first time in history that I've drawn my fiancé. Just as I feared, it wasn't cute enough.

Link Updates

2009-01-06T17:06:00.001-08:00

Take note, dear reader!

I have updated the link to the talented Amanda Nazario's web log. It is long overdue.

I have added a long overdue link to Dan Greene's amazing ongoing comic, Sidescroller.

I have added a totally underdue link to my ungrateful cat Donald's twitter page. I don't know how he finds the time.

Thank you for your interest.

January 5th, 2009 (January 3rd, 4th)

2009-01-05T18:08:00.000-08:00

I need to make up some ground.

January 3rd— not the best day for me this year.

January 4th. If I have a muse, it may be my cat, Donald.

Thanks for reading!

January 2nd, 2009

2009-01-02T19:48:00.000-08:00

This guy was the best.

January 1st, 2009

2009-01-01T18:45:00.000-08:00

I'm doing some sympathy autobiographical comics during the month of January to complement my friends and fellow comic artists Liz Prince, Joe Quinones, Maris Wicks and Tim Finn's ongoing Four Squares project.

Check out their links to the right!

Yes. When I go to the bathroom it makes a "Tweeeeee" sound, because my peener knows funny.

Year End Close-Out

2008-12-31T14:26:00.000-08:00

As 2008 comes to a close I just wanted to thank everyone who's followed this seldom updated web log. I'm optimistic that you'll see a lot more activity here in 2009. I'm finally coming out of the fog and finding some momentum for new stories and scripts.

For tonight I'll leave everybody with a few oldies— two of which point to a future project.

I'll dedicate this first one to Maris Wicks because she was somehow involved in it— though I can't remember how.

This is a piece I finished just after college. It's a subject I've been meaning to return to for some time now because I feel it's such a natural fit for comics.

Another one-pager with a similar slant.

Happy New Year all! We have a shiny new year to look forward to and a shiny new president for those of us in the U.S.

My Cat Is So Trendy

2008-12-22T06:37:00.000-08:00

I recently discovered that my cat, Donald, like many cats his age, has started a twitter page. Follow his "adventures" here.

photo by Ann Smith

Logo

2008-12-03T18:48:00.000-08:00

I'll probably be working this into the title screen eventually. It's my new logo.

Further News!

2008-12-02T18:22:00.000-08:00

It's actually not that new.

Best American Comics 2008 is out, edited by Lynda Barry who, in her infinite wisdom, decided to include me in a collection of far more talented people/heroes. Anyway it's out now and you should pick it up. It's so beautiful I'm embarrassed to have sullied its pages.

It looks like this:

The cover alone is worth the price.

find it here!

I also have a new image on the American Illustration website. Visit it here. I may have the most schizophrenic presence on their website.

Anyway, I thank everybody— including you, dear reader.

Here I Come a Wassailing

2008-12-01T15:48:00.000-08:00

I owe many, many, many, people emails and holiday related greetings (Amanda N., I'm looking in your direction). Life has been hectic to say the least. Between my current employment, making images and all the craziness that goes along with the holidays, it's been tough to stay in touch. I wanted to send a little web log greeting to anyone and everyone who still bothers to read this or attempt to maintain regular communications with me. All the best everybody!

Golden Oldies Vol. 2

2008-11-24T18:36:00.000-08:00

Here's a few more fun picks from the archives.

This first one is funny because it's true.

Oh you kids!

This next one had to do with my perverse aversion to spring. Don't ask me, I just paint them.

I've always, always wanted to play the drums. Maybe someday.

This last piece was a reaction to book covers on psychology. 99% of illustrated psychology book covers have the interiors of heads on them so I decided to go with the cliché.

Spots

2008-11-13T11:35:00.000-08:00

Who likes little drawings? Me (and hopefully you)!

GOILS!

2008-10-20T12:18:00.000-07:00

It's been so long since I've drawn anything I've had to ease my way back into the groove with some portraits. These were all from the giant pile of wedding magazines sitting in our living room. I might do a separate post on how silly/miserable the women are in these magazines.

Anyway a few semi-crumby drawings:

This one highlights how lost I get when I have to deal with shading. Eek!

Floating City

2008-10-20T11:04:00.000-07:00

For those who don't know, life has been a little hectic for me as of late, but I'm slowly transitioning back to a productive work schedule and wanted to share a few warm up projects and exercises.

I've been doing a lot of experiments creating black and white patterns and mark-making. This little series of variations are the first of several pieces I'm hoping to debut on postmodernfrog integrating these patterns and textures digitally.

This piece which I'm calling "Satellite" is probably the closest I'll ever get to a Roger Dean painting. I guess I've always been into flying/floating stuff.

Here's a detail of the black and white sketch:

Here's the a color version which I made next using a scratched postcard and block print highlights:

And finally a simpler black and white variation:

Any preferences? I'm putting together an online store soon so I'd love some feedback from anyone who cares to comment.

The Thing

2008-07-14T20:10:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you just want to draw the thing.

EAIO #2 Last Splash

2008-06-13T22:47:00.000-07:00

The following is part of an ongoing series chronicling, in no particular order, every album I own. To learn more visit my "about" link to the right.

Artist
Breeders

Kim Deal: vocals and guitar; Kelley Deal: vocals and guitar; Josephine Wiggs: Bass; Jim MacPherson: percussion.

Album
Last Splash

Track Listing
New Year
Cannonball
Invisible Man
No Aloha
Roi
Do You Love Me Now?
Flipside
I Just Wanna Get Along
Mad Lucas
Divine Hammer
S.O.S.
Hag
Saints
Drivin' On 9
Roi (Reprise)

Format
Compact Disc

Date Purchased
January(ish) 1994

Last Played
About a year ago

Stored In
Original case which has been modified with a transparent peach CD grip after the teeth of the original package broke.

Reason Purchased
Cannonball— I was in high school and you can't deny that song was (and is) catchy. I hoped it would make me cool or at least seem cool. Along with the typical assortment of Nirvana albums it was one of the few angsty things I had heard and enjoyed. It was also different than most anything else I owned at the time.

The Story
One winter day my Junior year in high school I woke up to what our local D.C. weatherman had predicted: enough snow to keep me out of school for a good three days.

Snow day! A phenomena I would sorely miss as an adult.

I was very excited. So much so that I couldn't go back to sleep even though it was 6:30am— my usual, and hated, school day wake up hour. "This is one of several reasons I'm glad I don't live in a desert," I thought. There was already a good six inches on the ground and it was still coming down in blankets.

I had an idea.

After a quick bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios, I put on enough layers of clothing to climb Everest while I concocted a major expedition. I would not waste this day— it was brimming with potential. I set up a silent agenda in my head: a walk to the park, build a snowhuman out of snow and local debris, walk five miles or so to the record store and spend everything I had in my pocket, then a surprise visit to... well, let's see if I have time.

It was a sensational storm. The snow corkscrewed in the wind and my thoroughly average, vinyl-sided, suburban neighborhood was transformed by pounds upon pounds of fat snow. After two right turns around the block I reached the entrance to our local park. I crossed the small footbridge over the delta of the flood control plane and headed to the top of the local sledding hill.

No one was out yet. I marveled at how magically still everything seemed in spite of the roaring wind and snow. There were no cars, no people, even birds and the creek below were muffled by the white noise of the wind. There is no other phenomena that rivals snow in terms of a total transformation of the senses. At least one that is pleasant. I suppose a volcanic erruption might count for— oh fuck— I'm sorry. We were talking about music.

So I skip the snowperson and make a snow angel instead because I figured this way the snowfellow would go straight to heaven and there'd be no chance for him to mess up (and no, it's not the same as a snow abortion).

I plunged ahead to the record store. It was about a five mile walk from the park to the strip mall where the store was located. As I write this, I'm racking my brain to remember the name of the chain. I want to say it was Kendall Jackson, but that's a crappy California winemaker. It was slow going, the snow was reaching knee height at this point, and plows had kicked an extra helping along the roadside. I pretended I was on an adventure through the Himalayas. I didn't know anything about the Himalayas but I had heard they had snow there and lots of it.

I finally arrived. The parking lot was only just beginning to be cleared by the plows. "Kendall Jacksons" was miraculously open even though several other shops had closed for the day. In hindsight this was exceptionally lucky; it never even occurred to me that they would be closed. I stepped inside and uwrapped my snow encrusted scarf. I got a weird look from the only employee in the store who greeted with a barely audible, "hi." He had probably seen me, on foot, marching across the entire football-field-sized parking lot. I did look pretty ridiculous.

I knew what I was after, the song Canonball had been well cemented into my brain by the winter of 1994. I pretended to check out the other new releases so that I could have a rest before heading back out. I casually looked at the track listing for Guns and Roses "The Spaghetti Incident?" while I made puddles on the floor. I could only pretend to be interested for so long. I made my purchase and prepared to head out. The loan clerk said, "Good luck out there, dude." I nodded, "Thanks." I may have been the only customer that day.

It was not too late at this point. By my invisible watch, it was somewhere just after noon. Plenty of time for the next leg of my adventure. I was pretty sure she would be home.

The snow was starting to let up which made walking a bit easier. It was a relatively short trip to my next destination. I examined the candy colored CD packaging en route but kept it wrapped to keep it from getting wet. Within an hour I was at the doorstep. "Won't she be surprised," I thought, "Who else would risk life and limb to venture out in this weather?

Apparently one more person than I expected. Her gruff father answered the door and, after a brief explanation, I was allowed inside where I found Janet and Jared (names have been changed to protect the 100% innocent). I instantly regretted I had made the trip. She was surprised but it wasn't the reaction I was hoping for. It was more of a what the hell are you doing here than a I can't believe you came all this way to see me. Jared was no more thrilled by my presence, though he was polite. Her parents offered me a hot beverage to warm up, which I accepted. They clearly preferred Jared to me. He was more attractive and confident and would be Janet's recognized boyfriend within a few weeks. The cocoa was terrible— or I just wasn't in the mood for cocoa. I removed my coat but left on my extra layer of pants as I attempted to chat with Janet and Jared. They were quite the coupling— wearing nearly matching sweaters by the fire. They looked like a page from an L.L. Bean catalog. After awkward small talk and the usual discussion of the unusual weather, I quickly finished my cocoa, said some thank-yous and see-you-laters and escaped back to the cool air.

The trip home was the shortest of the day but my energy was sapped. I was utterly defeated. Their names both started with "J," I thought, They were meant to be. I trudged home while the clouds still filled the sky like a perfectly polished concrete slab.

I arrived home to two extremely distressed parents who wanted to know just where the hell I had been all goddamn day and they were worried sick and would it kill me to call and what was I thinking in the first place and there's dinner if I really wanted it but I was in big trouble in case I hadn't noticed. The Fresh Prince was right— parents just didn't understand.

I went to sleep that night with headphones on; listening to Mad Lucas set to repeat on my portable Kenwood CD Player.

It would be a long time before I associated Last Splash with anything fun.

Random Associations

FUN! This album is totally fun. Cannonball is a total hit on any party mix and virtually every song on the album has made it onto a road mix or summer mix. I mostly took to it's dark distorted atmosphere and selected angry lyrics at first but now I think of it as a good time rocker.

I remember my cousins Chris and Carol visiting some time after its release and going bananas over the song Saints, which may or may not have had a video tied to it at the time.

In my theater department's spring show my senior year of High School I remember trying to create some kind of interpretive dance or something to the track Mad Lucas. It failed big time. I think it involved Slinkies. It failed big time.

Standout Lyrics

From Mad Lucas:
Arise wash your face
From cinder and soot
You're a nuisance
And I don't like dirt.

From Hag:
Hag! Coastal cut-throat!
You dirty switch,
You're on again

I like the school girl, nanny-nanny-boo-boo, delivery of this song. It reminds me of Debbie Harry singing Rip Her to Shreds.

Season I Most Associate With This Album
Summer, oddly enough.

Impressions

I pull this album out about once a year to listen to in it's entirety and it's on a very short list of albums I purchased in high school that I don't regret buying (Stone Temple Pilots, I'm looking in your direction). They borrowed from prevailing grunge sound that was in style at the time without using it as a gimmick and without taking themselves too seriously. I hesitate to even use the term grunge to describe the Breeders because they seem to be a natural off-shoot of Kim Deal's more influential band, The Pixies (maybe you've heard of them), and the Pixies were definitely not grunge. But the Breeders took that early nineties heavy rock sound and brought a pop sensibility to the table. They put the fun back into the music without undermining the ominous or dark elements. That's tricky stuff. Courtney Love was trying to make this album her whole career.

I also like that the Breeders are sort of a family band. The Deal sisters used the name, The Breeders, for a folk rock band they started back in the 70's. How cute they must have been!

I find I have a different track I latch onto each time I listen to it but favorites would include No Aloha with its moaning, Hawaiian steel inspired guitar; Mad Lucas which sounds like it was lifted from a David Lynch movie— vaguely romantic— if you're a serial killer; Hag for reasons I already discussed and Drivin' on 9 which I'll wager has made it onto the a road mix of anyone who owns the album. Cannonball is a solid gold party song for my generation.

The only thing that feels dated about Last Splash is it's packaging but it's more charming than anything else.

Conclusion:
Last Splash is my kind of nostalgia.

Wha?!

2008-06-04T09:22:00.001-07:00

BWAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HEE HEE HAHA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAHA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HOO HOO OO HOO HOO HOO HOO

AHA HA HA HA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
hehehehheheheheheheheheh

Oh Ooo! Ooo!

HEH HEE HEE HEE HA HA. HO. HO.

...hmf

...ha

...

BWAHAAHAAHAHAAAAHAHAAAHAAHAAAAHAAHAHAAAAHAAAAHAA HAAH AHAHAAAAHAAAHAAAHAHA!

HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAAA...*SNIFF* HA HAAAHAAA HAAA

TEE HEE HEE HEE —THE HAT! — HAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA

HA HAHAHAHA.

OH God. Enough.

Hm. Hm Hm.

EAIO #1 One Foot in the Grave

2008-05-21T21:55:00.000-07:00

The following is part of an ongoing series chronicling, in no particular order, every album I own. To learn more visit my "about" link to the right.

Artist
Beck

Album
One Foot in the Grave

Track Listing
He's A Mighty Good Leader
Sleeping Bag
I Get Lonesome
Burnt Orange Peels
Cyanide Breath Mint
See Water
Ziplock Bag
Hollow Log
Forcefield
Fourteen Rivers Fourteen Floods
Asshole
I've Seen The Land Beyond
Outcome
Girl Dreams
Painted Eyelids
Atmospheric Conditions

Format
Compact Disc

Date Purchased
Fall of 1995

Last Played
Selected tracks were played within the last two months.

Stored In
It's original CD case. In good condition.

Reason Purchased
For a time I was only familiar with, Loser off the album, Mellow Gold— Beck's first big hit single and I wasn't impressed. Like everyone else, I thought he was a stoned-out one hit wonder and I'd be rid of him soon enough. About six month's after it's release I heard the rest of Mellow Gold while driving around aimlessly in my friend Brian's Oldsmobile, and was intrigued. I went to Best Buy (what I considered my local record store at the time) but they were sold out. I did discover another Beck album, One Foot in the Grave. It featured a black and white photo of Beck standing next to a blonde haired fellow who was either: 1) embarrassed to be seen with Beck 2) in the midst of liver pains or 3) James Bertram. It turned out to be all three. I purchased it because I thought it was Beck's first album. Being the contrary sort, I had a hunch that the album no one had ever heard of was probably better than the one everyone was listening to. I think I was sort of right.

The Story
When I concocted the idea for writing these little blurbs I had a hard time deciding where to start. I could have started with the first album I ever bought, Hysteria by Def Leppard, which I still have on the original cassette. I chose One Foot in the Grave because it was, what I consider to be, a turning point for me musically. By the time I was fourteen I had decided that commercial radio was awful and anything on it was awful; this included not just contemporary rock but classic rock, country, hip hop and so on. Unaware of the booming music scene a few miles away in D.C. my tastes were greatly influenced by an older cousin who introduced me to bands like Blues Traveler and Phish. This is the style of music I listened to and enjoyed up until my senior year in high school— an overweight dude playing every note on the harmonica. The Spin Doctors, Dave Matthews Band and other various groups tied to the Horde Tour were on heavy rotation up until my senior year of high school. Then I bought One Foot in the Grave. Granted, One Foot in the Grave is not making many lists as a landmark album, but for a kid like myself who had overlooked Sonic Youth, didn't have any idea who Calvin Johnson was, and hadn't even heard of indy rock, it was pretty explosive.

First of all, it sounded like they recorded through the built in mic input on my boom box. The instruments weren't quite in tune. The musicians didn't seem particularly concerned with playing the songs correctly. The singer/songwriter was coughing right in the middle of the song. As a collection of songs it was unwieldy— jumping from slow folksy dirges into sloppy raucous punk rock and austere blues.

But it was catchy. It had an immediacy to it, as if a group of guys got drunk in a hotel one night and made an album. There was underlying loneliness to the lyrics that was very appealing to me at the time. How can any sober girlfriendless high school nerd listen to Asshole once and not play it on repeat for hours on lonely Saturday nights?

Most importantly everyone else hated it, so I knew I was on to something.

With a few missteps here and there, this record would quickly lead me to the groups that form the foundation of what I like today.

Random Associations

More than any other Beck track, I've come across more unwelcome covers of Asshole than I care to remember. It's slightly obscure, easy to play and totally catchy which apparently makes it a first choice for middling pretty boy bands who want to toughen up their otherwise banal rock sets.

It's worth noting that during live shows, Beck changed the second chorus to "He'll do aynthing to make you feel like an asshole."

Standout Lyrics
From Cyanide Breath Mint:
Definitely this is the wrong place to be
There's blood on the futon
There's a kid drinking fire

Going down to the sea
They got people to meet
Shaking hands with themselves
Looking out for themselves

From Outcome:
Riot Cops, Cheerleaders— eyebrows painted on their heads
A mouth full of rotting cavities
Drinking Coca-Cola in the Streets

Season I most associate with this album
Fall

Track I most wanted to skip
Ziplock Bag

Impressions/Notes/Etc.

• If Woody Guthrie made an album about the end of world where only a few LA strip malls survived, I think it would sound something like this. There is a definite world conjured up by this album of broken down people, city sprawl ruins and overflowing dumpsters. For me the core of the album comes from tracks like Cyanide Breath Mint, Outcome and Painted Eyelids. The album holds up pretty well. I'm not as crazy about tracks like Fourteen Rivers Fourteen Floods as I once was. It seems more like a novelty track now.

• The nonchalant rocker Burnt Orange Peels is featured on the soundtrack for a movie I have yet to write.

• Cyanide Breath Mint is a personal classic. It might be my favorite example of Beck's impressionist lyrics allowing the listener to inject their own meaning into the music. Though there's nothing concrete about the imagery, every little piece paints a picture of disappointment. It's like someone asking helplessly, "How did I wind up here?"

• That last bulleted note was super pretentious.

• I looked up plodding in the dictionary and it said: See Water. Ah dictionary jokes.

Conclusion
It's a keeper.

Every Album I Own [Press Play]

2008-05-21T08:16:00.000-07:00

It occurred to me about a year ago, as I was reorganizing my compact disc collection, that I own so much music, it's virtually impossible to enjoy it all on a regular basis. I only get around to properly reshelving my discs and records every three months, having scattered them to every corner of my apartment during that time. This usually involves an elaborate reorganization to incorporate new additions, albums in heavy rotation and waning loiterers. During this time I often come across favorites I haven't revisited in years (how could I leave Developer on the shelf for two years without a burn?) and forgotten relics of dread (why do I own or even come to own The Coneheads Soundtrack?).

Between records, compact discs, cassettes, various purchased and scavenged MP3s, I probably own about six hundred something albums and counting. Among them are classics, standards, oddities, rarities, horrors and total embarrassments. I've decided to revisit, in no particular order, every album I own.

This will not include every album I've ever owned (sorry, Sponge). I won't be reviewing the albums or rating them either. The point of this is to revisit my entire collection, see how certain things have held up, speak about the personal nature of music and how it has shaped who I am and, above all, to waste copious amounts of my time and the reader's time. This will also give everyone insight into how terrible my collection really is and how I'm a total poser for ever making fun of anyone else's tastes.

Wait until you see all the garbage I got. Great scott! It is atrocious. I promise to try to make this fun.

Bonus points to anyone who can name all twelve albums in the image above.

Is This Thing On?

2008-05-20T12:27:00.000-07:00

Good Gravy! Do I even remember how to work this silly thing? Obviously I've been absent for a month and do I have anything to show for it?

I found a patch of laurels and I rested on them. They weren't even that comfortable. I still have some stuck in my pants— but that's another story.

The point is I need to go into full tilt production mode. This might mean a dramatic reduction in socializing— but I can't just goof off for the rest of my thirties. There will be a number of projects that I won't be able to post here because there's stuff still in the works. I'll post a teaser for that here.

I do have a new regular segment I'll start posting possibly as early as today. Thanks to everybody who left such nice comments recently. I'll try to put stuff up more regularly.

Cheers!

News!

2008-04-12T06:33:00.000-07:00

I just got word that my Polar Bear piece will appear on the American Illustration website (ai-ap.com) in their 2008 installment. Cowabunga.

Also now is as good a time as any to mention that my comic Cupid's Day Off will appear in Best American Comics 2008 published by Houghton Mifflin guest edited by Lynda Barry with Jessica Abel and Matt Madden serving as series editors. Here's a little sample panel:

I'm reminded of the line from the movie The Jerk: "I'm in print! Things are going to start happening to me now."

Robot Rock

2008-03-23T10:18:00.000-07:00

I know what you're thinking:

"The robot bass player doesn't have any pick-ups on his electric bass! It's completely unrealistic!"

Well I've got news for you, stupid: this image is from the future (the year 2367 to be precise) and that bass uses hyper pick-ups which are contained in the body of the bass.

"Well if this is the year 2367, why is the bass plugged into a Yamaha Taro Taro Midikan 540D synth amplifier?"

Uh...that was an error on my part.

Why not buy a print from my barely profitable ETSY site?

I Swear to God I'm Not on Drugs

2008-03-10T14:18:00.000-07:00

But when people see this image they always question me. It was originally going to be a comic book cover.

Postcards

2008-03-10T07:48:00.000-07:00

Here are a few older pieces from a series of paintings I did on postcards. I started the series while I was still in school (though these particular pieces were all done later). I would grab free postcards from Tower Records; take them home, sand them down and alter them; then I would take them back to Tower with weird messages on the back and address them to celebrities. Later I learned that this may have been a felony.

Thanks!

Best Show on WFMU T-Shirts Part I

2008-03-03T06:44:00.000-08:00

Readers take note!

My favorite free form radio station, WFMU, is having their annual marathon. If you're not familiar with the station, they are a completely indepedent, listener supported, free form radio station.

Read about their history and their 50th anniversary at this NY Times link.

I strongly urge you to learn about the marathon and pledge here.

The station archives all their programs. Here are links to some of my favorites:

Tom Scharpling: The Best Show on WFMU

Evan "Funk" Davies

Cherry Blossom Clinic with Terre T

Brian Turner

You can listen live online at www.wfmu.org. Listen and pledge!

My favorite program, The Best Show on WFMU is having a T-Shirt contest now. I turned one of my designs into a desktop image. I'll post the finished designs in a later post. Enjoy these and pledge to WFMU!

Viva Dogmo!

And one for Crimestick (he knows who he is):

Cheers!

The Big Guy

2008-02-21T08:09:00.000-08:00

My cat, Donald. He's famous.

Who's In Charge Here?

2008-02-20T09:15:00.000-08:00

This guy:

Polar Bear!

2008-02-19T12:48:00.000-08:00

Polar Bears are the coolest. Get it? Get it?

Ugh.

I'm most likely submitting this for American Illustration this year. I may try to rock out another image tomorrow.

Here's the color study I did a while back— very Beggarstaff Brothers.

Thanks for the look.

Why not buy a print from my barely profitable ETSY site?

My Little Corner of the World

2008-02-12T13:32:00.000-08:00

A sketch for an upcoming project.

Color piece updated February 20th, 2008

Thanks!

Rabbits

2008-02-05T06:49:00.000-08:00

A while back I was really into painting these rabbit people. There was something both creepy and comical about them. Sadly I don't have images for the entire series. Cybil Sheppard actually bought a painting from this series.

This was for a group show at Gallery Katz in Boston. It later sold to a woman who said it reminded her of dogs peeing along the banks of the Riviera, or something like that.

This piece appeared on the American Illustration site two years ago (it's still there of course).

The last four are from a sub-series called the escape artist several of these were based on dreams.

Thanks for the look!

The Fad | Booger Man

2008-01-29T14:03:00.000-08:00

These comics were originally supposed to fit into a longer comic that strung a bunch of short strips together like an episode of Monty Python. Unfortunately I lost interest in it. There are still a few laughs to be pillaged however.

Endorsement: Cha-Ching Pictures

2008-01-28T06:36:00.000-08:00

The last thing I want this web log to become is a collection of links to mildly entertaining clips and web-junk. That being said, every so often I will offer an endorsement of something truly outstanding.

Today I offer this short film from Moviecall alumni Daniel Strange and Kevin Umbricht's brain child, Cha-Ching Pictures.

Pregnant

Golden Oldies Vol. 1

2008-01-26T08:21:00.000-08:00

Here are a few pieces from way back when I used to paint. Now I tend to do ink drawings and color them on the computer. I will admit to missing painting but working in pen and ink is so much faster.

Cheers.

The Flying Bear

2008-01-25T10:09:00.000-08:00

Here's another oldie but goodie, for those who have never seen it. This series was mostly written by my friend Daniel Strange based a on a character a friend made up to terrorize a younger sibling. One of these days we'll finish the silly thing.

Thanks for the look.

Unrelated

2008-01-21T08:59:00.000-08:00

In honor of Martin Luther King Junior, I'm posting this silly cartoon I did last year.

Cheers.

Guitar Hero

2008-01-16T14:44:00.000-08:00

I'm trying to post something everyday. Here's a little doodle I did a short while ago.

Black and Whites

2008-01-15T09:04:00.000-08:00

The hits just keep on coming. Here are a couple ink drawings for your eyeballs.

The next one is called either/or. If your an optimist, you can download the image, rotate the canvas and have the car fly through the air.

Thanks for the look.

You Have Nothing Better to Do

2008-01-14T10:59:00.000-08:00

I just added the first batch of links to some very talented people. I fully endorse their work and recommend paying them gobs of money for their respective talents.

Enjoy!

American Illustration 26

2008-01-14T07:05:00.000-08:00

American Illustration 26 was recently released and I'm pleased as punch to be included. You can find my entry for this year on their website (www.ai-ap.com) along with a piece from last year.

Here is the winning entry along with a few other pieces from that series.

This next piece was inspired by The Blood Brothers' song Set Fire to the Face on Fire which is definitely one my favorite songs of 2006 and possibly one of my favorite songs ever. I was going for a kind of over-the-top death metal thing— with flames on top of flames echoing the song title. I used an old notebook for the background because it just seemed like the kind of picture a junior highschool kid would draw during math class.

Check them out: www.thebloodbrothers.com

This next one came out a bit convoluted.

I think I prefer this simpler version.

Thanks for the look. I plan on putting a lot more work up soon.

Anyone for Pinochle?

2008-01-01T20:54:00.000-08:00

I was dining in at my local coffee house the other day— which, as a rule, I hate to do. It’s crowded, the tables wobble and the chairs are unaccepting (a word I just made up). On this particular day, however, I had fifteen minutes to kill and a hankering for day-old bagel.

The walls of this coffee house are saturated with flyers. Virtually every square inch of the walls are covered with adverts for advanced yoga classes, notices of rooms for rent, and various notices of performances, political rallies and pets on the lam. I scanned the walls as I gnawed on my bagel, relieved to see that there were far worse spellers in the world than myself (for the world is one big spelling bee to me). Then I saw this:

Read it again.

My mind stopped. “This can’t be real,” I thought and even now I’m unsure. The “what a deal!” pun still seems too good to be true. For the sake of this entry, I ask you, dear reader, to play along with me and assume that this person was 100% dead serious about this offer.

Let’s start with the flyer itself. As I snatched it from the wall the first thing I noticed was it was written, with a Sharpie marker, on the back of another flyer for a dog walking service. This implies the person who wrote it is either rude, someone prone to rushed split second decisions or someone in an emergency situation who needed that fifty cents as soon as possible.

Breaking down the page elements from top to bottom, we begin with:

For Sale

A bit cliché, but it is to the point. “What a deal!” I’ve already discussed so let’s move on to the meat:

ONE DECK OF PINOCHLE CARDS - SLIGHTLY USED

Everything sounds dandy until you reach the “slightly used” portion— a frustratingly vague description given the dubious mental state of the seller. Do they mean the cards have been shuffled once or twice or that they were discovered abandoned at a bus stop with three cards missing? This is followed by a rather nicely placed illustration of four playing cards or perhaps one very large card perched atop three pop tarts. Then in bold:

50¢

A fair asking price followed by...

OR BEST OFFER

...written with a different pen— almost as an afterthought.

Reg. 2.19

My that is a deal! Why just compare the asking price and the regular retail price. It’s less than a quarter of the price— a strong selling point. Now here’s a peach:

GREAT FOR SOMEONE WHO LIKES PINOCHLE!!

We can extrapolate three things from this exclamation: The person selling the cards does not like pinochle; you, the reader, do not necessarily like pinochle but may know someone who does; and finally, someone who likes pinochle would love a deck of slightly used pinochle cards which are specifically designed for pinochle. The seller is hoping a thought will pop in your mind such as, “Hey, those would make a pretty good gift!” or "Someone who likes pinochle? Why that's me with two exclamation points!!"

And finally at the bottom there are two, two, tear tabs so that any interested party may have a reference and contact information to arrange for the sale. We can also infer that the seller suspects there may be competing bids for the deck.

What are we to make of this purveyor of pinochle? I’m guessing, like many of us, he needed a deck of cards for his daily rounds of solitaire (since his computer was in the shop). With the same rushed excitement that he composed this flyer, he mistakenly grabbed the wrong deck of cards at the local pharmacy or convenience store. We’ve all done it. We missed the little label at the bottom reading: “pinochle.” Some have left them on a dusty shelf to explore at some future or fictitious date; others have simply thrown them out; but not our mystery dealer. He opened those cards, realized his folly and thought, “Oh crap! How am I going to unload these pinochle cards?” For days it dogged him. The cards were already open and could never be returned. He’ll never see that money again. Then one day he goes to pay for his usual cup of coffee and finds himself short. O the injustice! Enough! It’s time to cut his losses. Grabbing the nearest piece of paper he can find, he puts his offer to paper.

Then the day arrives he finally gets the call.

”Yes I’m calling in regards to a flyer that was posted at the local coffee shop.”

“The pinochle cards?”

“Yes. Are they still available?”

“Indeed they are.”

“Well I’ll be honest with you, I wasn’t in the market for a pack of pinochle cards but I saw your flyer and thought it would make a great birthday present for my father in law— he likes pinochle.”

“Oh he does? These would be perfect!”

“I realize that the going rate for pinochle decks in finer retail locations can be upwards of two dollars to two dollars and twenty cents or so. Your asking price is quite fair.”

“They are quite a deal.”

“Yes, but you see, I’m on a limited budget and I couldn’t afford the full fifty cents.”

“I see.”

“Seeing as the cards are slightly used, could you see your way to letting them go for say... forty three cents?”

“Well, I suppose so.”

“Wonderful. Now when should we arrange to meet?”

“Shall we say tomorrow at the coffee house?”

“I’m afraid I’m busy throughout the week. Besides I need to wait for my paycheck to go through before I could make a payment. How about a week from Thursday at noon.”

“ I have a doctors appointment that day I’m afraid.”

“Drat. How about that following Friday?”

“That would be fine. I will say that if a get a better offer between now and then I’ll have to take it.”

“Of course but I’d like to make a counter offer if it comes to it.”

“Your number came up on my cell phone so I’ll be sure to get in touch.”

“Marvelous. If not I’ll see you at the coffee house two Fridays from today. Look for me. I’ll be shirtless with torn corduroy pants and flip-flops.”

“Sounds great. Bye until then.”

O the world hath many splendors! Thank you for reading this nonsense.

Drinks: RI Monthly Recipes

2008-01-01T17:38:00.000-08:00

In December one of my cocktails was featured on the cover of Rhode Island Monthly magazine and three of my original recipes were featured in the cover story. I'd like to give big thanks to Nat Rea for his photos and Angel Tucker for styling. They made the drinks look great. Many thanks go out to Lisa E. Harrison for putting the story together and to my former employer The Waterman Grille— a fine place to dine.

The cover shows my Dill Gin Rickey:

3 sprigs fresh dill
1 lime
2 ounces gin
2 ounces soda water

Place dill in a rocks glass and top with ice. Squeeze the juice of the entire lime into the rocks glass. Add gin and soda then stir lightly. Garnish with a lime slice.

Cheers!

Soapbox, I Step Upon Thee

2007-11-29T06:42:00.000-08:00

I was pleased to find this posted in the comments section of my previous post:

"I was running very short on words in a piece I'm writing and I found that when I cut and pasted your web log it brought my word count up to exactly what I needed! I'll be back to get more tomorrow. This is an excellent and inexpensive source of words and provides a true public service." —flugmensch

First, thievery is the sincerest form of theft, and I thank you for that. Second, you've hit on something close to my heart when you speak about word shortages, good resources for words and, more specifically, letters. Each day, over the course of writing e-mails, memos and adult personals, people waste hundreds of thousands of millions of hundreds of letters everyday. We all know it is not unusual to mistype, rethink, edit, and misspell words, however too often we turn to the "delete" key as a quick fix for this process. This is needlessly wasteful. Certainly it seems like we have a nearly endless supply of letters but do we know for certain if that supply will someday run dry? Can you promise letters will still be here for your children and your children's children? Do you really know where these letters go when you delete them? The answers to these questions may astound you.

Are letters in short supply? The answer is: we don't know. Think for a moment, however, of the consequences of a letter shortage. There would be no newspapers; dinner menus would become pictures of food with pictures of dollar bills next to them; you wouldn't be able to brandish your favorite clothing retailer's name across your chest or buttocks; street signs and highway exit signs would have to revert back to hieroglyphics. There would be no dictionaries, Bible or Dr. Phil's Ultimate Weight-Loss Solution. The web log you're reading wouldn't even exist. Sounds horrible right?

Many people don't consider what happens to letters when they are deleted. Do they simply vanish? Are they stored away electronically for later use? No one knows for sure, but there is growing evidence that these letters are beginning to collect in our atmosphere. Here's an artist's conception:

By now you must be asking yourself: what can I do? The truth is conserving letters is easier than you think. You simply need to retrain your hands and mind to retain any unnecessary letters. You can start by discontinuing use of the delete key. "Delete the delete," as I like to say. This can be difficult at first. You might try gluing a thumbtack to the key to help retrain your hands or you could simply remove the key with a pair of pliers. However you go about it, the delete key is the most important thing to avoid. Think of deleting letters as putting puppies down at the pound: they are not unwanted, they simply need to find the right home. We can do this by using a few devices namely: the arrow keys, cut and paste.

Let's start with the easiest device for letter conservation— the arrow keys. Let's say you're in the midst of typing a sentence:

The brown bear stole my affordoble taco.

Whoops! There was a typo there. The bear was not brown. Now, using the arrow key, run the marquee back to last letter typed in error.

The b|rown bear stole my affordoble taco.

Now retype the correct letters carefully while moving the remaining letters forward in the queue.

The black bear stole my affordoble taco. | rown bear stole my affordoble taco.

Then as you continue writing, simply integrate the remaining letters as needed by scrolling ahead. I will highlight the extra letters as they are used.

The black bear stole my affordoble taco. I ran after him on my own but the bear proved to be too swift to catch. |le my affordoble taco.

You may wish to delete the spaces between the words in the queue to save time. Spaces and returns are made up of what I call "empty energy" and can be removed or replaced without any harm. So we tighten up our queue.

The black bear stole my affordoble taco. I ran after him on my own but the bear proved to be too swift to catch. |lemyaffordobletaco.

We can continue to the end.

The black bear stole my affordoble taco. I ran after him on my own but the bear proved to be too swift to catch. While I was looking forward to eating that taco, I knew my mom would lend me another four or five dollars for another one. So I dobled back for another taco. That's when the brown bear stole my second affordoble taco.

As you can see, it's not just easy, but can aid in good writing as well! But there is another method that can save you even more time. Of course using the letters as they appear in order within the queue is not the most efficient means of writing— in fact it’s doble the work. If we introduce the use of the computer's cut and paste function we can use virtually any of the letters in the queue at any time. Look at this example:

Marty was so very much looking forward to the circus. The elephants, the lions, the tigers— he knew not which would be his favorite. There were people everywhere. The clowns and crowds were out in droves. Suddenly |NbcamerallbilgFraggleRockmomoneylibattmmmmy

Highlighted in bold is the letter queue built up from earlier in the piece. This time we will cut and paste the letters into place. The bold letters in the queue are being placed in bold into the text.

...There were people everywhere. The clowns and crowds were out in droves. Suddenly there NbcamerallbilgFraggleRockmomoneylibattmmmmy

This time pasting a whole word:

...There were people everywhere. The clowns and crowds were out in droves. Suddenly there came | NbcamerallbilgFraggleRockmomonylibatmmmmy

Etc.

...Suddenly there came a great commotion | NbllblFraggleRckylibmmmmy

And:

...Suddenly there came a great commotion. Roars came from the crowds and soon everyone was running for their lives. “Run!” they cried. Marty did a doble take. He couldn’t believe his eyes. From out of the big top came two bears; their jaws dripping with guacamole and sour cream.

When people are introduced to the principles of letter conservation and the use of cut and paste in particular, many wonder why we simply can’t continually cut and paste as many letters as we want, giving us an endless supply. While this would seem to solve our problem it leads to another, which I call, “clone lettering.”

Let’s look at these two letters:

t

t

Look the same don’t they? Except the second letter “t” is a clone letter. It was not typed but was copied and pasted from the first “t.” Cut and paste should only be used to transport letters to their destination not as a tool of letter creation. The problem with clone lettering is that the letters get weaker with each use and eventually weaken the entire letter family. The letters and words in which they are used lose their impact. Let’s look at these two sentences and see if you can spot the clone letters.

1. No, I won’t go!

2. No, no, no, I won’t go— no, no, no, I won’t— no!

Did you spot the clone letters? That’s right! it was the third letter “n” and seventh letter “o” in the second sentence. The first sentence features no clone letters and reads more clearly. Now you can see that avoiding clone letters helps maintain the letters’ strength and therefore aids in letter conservation.

You may find in practice that you’ll have letters left over in your letter queue at the end of your writing. This is only natural but these letters should not be discarded. They can be saved in a separate document for future use. Think of it as herding cows into their pens for later use as McGriddled Doble Cheeseburgers, except that you won’t eat the letters; you’ll reuse them in a letter of complaint to the McDonald’s corporation about your experience eating a McGriddled Doble Cheeseburger. I like to keep my extra letters on a desktop sticky.

Here’s a screen capture of my desktop queue as an example:

You now have all the tools to stop wasting letters and aid the cause of letter conservation. In closing I will add one more way you can help the cause; that is to end unnecessary and frivolous writing. Each and everyday people write long, boring, unending essays and weblogs. Some even write long-winded satires which serve no real purpose other than to waste the readers time in the vain pursuit of a few giggles or guffaws. It is shameful— a disgrace! As a result letters’ talents are wasted; forming a collection of moronic ramblings, not fit for print, but good enough for the internet. We must redoble our efforts to avoid this fluff. Letter conservation begins with writing that is brief, simple, succinct, efficient, concise, laconic, streamlined, and to the point— which is to say, short.

For more information on how you can help contact the Letter Conservation and Preservation Society of Letter Recycling, Reuse and Regeneration of America by Which We Mean the United States of America and Also We Forgot Numbers Too or LCPSoLRRaRoAbWWMtUSoAaAWFNT. We can all do our part.